What If Zombies Knock?

It’s Monday Mayhem and you know what that means—yep, zombies running amok making life miserable for all humanity.

Los Angeles
Los Angeles

If you’ve read my Zombie Apocalypse: Revisited post last week, I wrote how I believed if a zombie apocalypse were to take place it would happen in a large urban area. Some have mentioned to me later that it would be more difficult to detect the event in a rural area instead, thus a challenge to contain.

Regardless of where it happens, we’d still have to find ways to defend ourselves. In my post Zombie Kill of the Week II, I wrote a detailed list of how I’d like to see zombies killed. As amusing as it was writing that post, some truth remains: If a zombie were to enter our house, what would we do? It’s fun saying we’d love to jam an ice pick in the soft part of its temple but if we didn’t have an ice pick, it ain’t goin’ die by lookin’ at the thing and screamin’. That’s a fact.

So, what are we to do? What would you do?

Here are a few tips you can use in the event the world collapses and the zombies begin knocking on your door.

  1. Doorway
    Doorway

    Do not open the door. Simple, right? Wrong. Those resilient maggot bags will stop at nothing if they hear life creaking inside your house. Don’t assume they’ll show up in the middle of the day either. Expect the unexpected. They can appear anytime. If you have a snorer in the house, lock ‘em in a windowless room in the basement. You don’t need those miserable gut suckers chomping on anyone in your household at three in the morning. Bar all the doors with deadbolts and chairs. Board up your windows and make only one door your access point. Dictate which door they can use.

  2. Keep weapons handy. If zombies make it into the house, let their first greeting be a bullet to the head. Nothing says hello like a .357 Magnum. Be careful though, a gunshot will alert the others and instead of fending off one, you’ll have to deal with a whole neighborhood full of scab festerers. That’s why it would be a good idea to keep an assortment of garden tools interspersed throughout the house. A shovel can perform the duel role of cracking skulls and burying the remains. A hoe can function in a similar manner. Again, always think of the multiple uses for these tools. Now let’s say one of these brain eaters chases you around the house. What are you going to do? Sporting equipment works good too. Wouldn’t it be a relief to know at the end of a hall you can grab a baseball bat and beat the living tar out of these zombies? There’s nothing like hearing the crack of a Louisville Slugger upside the head of an undead.
  3. Plan an escape route. If worse comes to worse and the whole house gets overrun with those walking fly heaps, the next and best course of action is to—RUN! Don’t stick around. Don’t even look back. You cannot afford to stay in the house any longer. Take what you can carry and head for the hills. Your life depends on it. If you’d planned ahead, you would have left a loose bottom board to one of the ground floor windows to make it easy for you to kick in and crawl through. Better still, you could have rigged the whole house to explode with you and your family safely halfway to the woods. This would ensure the zombies would remain in the house and you wouldn’t have to worry about stragglers chasing you.
  4. Prepare a secondary home. As with any plan there should always be a Plan B. If something should happen to your primary residence, it would be beneficial to have a secondary residence in mind to act as your temporary home. This could be anything from a barn, a tent in the woods to a shed. Anything that will function as a place where you can lay your head without worrying if you’ll still have a head by morning.

These are only a few tips to keep those vermin beasts at bay while you plan your escape for the coast and hop on a boat for the nearest island away from it all.

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What are your plans for the zombie apocalypse? Have you figured out an escape route? Will you be heading to an island somewhere in the Caribbean?

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8 thoughts on “What If Zombies Knock?

  1. My plan is to have one room in the house with a tv screen playing a speech by the former Archbishop George Carey. The sound of a human voice will attract the zombies, but then they’ll hear the speech and be bored to death.

  2. But, Jack, the Zombie always rings . . . none! Hmm. Interesting questions. We do have a few emergency bags and a tornado shelter, but nothing zombie-wise. So, I guess we’re probably goners unless we can become more proficient with bows & arrows & axes etc. (!!)

      • I can’t remember where you guys are in Canada, Jack. . . . Did you have an earthquake recently (I’m thinking Vancouver area, but I could be totally wrong)? If so, I hope all are safe and sound! Guess there’s no such thing as an earthquake shelter (at least not for the average homeowner)?? We’ve had terrible flooding here in Mo/Ill., and lost some books from our storage shed, but, thankfully, no irreplaceable mementos like photos and yearbooks, and no loss of life or injury, thank goodness (the only important thing, truly).

  3. OMP! Thanks for the tips. I would have never thought about some of these – WOW. I’m off now. I need to put the garden hoe in my bedroom and pack my backpack – you know in case of emergency. Snorts! XOXO – Bacon

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