The Roamer

What would you do if one night you awoke to the sound of a zombie ambling through your house? Would you attempt to find and kill it? Or would you run as fast as you could to evade its ferocious appetite?

Zombie in the house
Zombie in the house

Occasionally I ask these hypothetical questions for my Monday Mayhem series as a way to explore what my readers are thinking. I don’t ask these questions all the time, but this week I thought it would be fun thinking through the scenario with the understanding that whatever anyone says, it does not leave this site. We might actually get something done today.

Right. Moving along.

The scenario also works if you hear a zombie at three in the morning moaning in the middle of the hall of the apartment building. The scenario doesn’t need to take place in a house. And, if you’re living in the woods somewhere, well, then you’re free to do whatever you want.

Again, I’ll ask the question. What would you do if a zombie awakens you from your slumber in the safety of your domicile? Would you run? Or would you fight back?

This is what I would do—it’s all hypothetical anyway. I would first find out about the moaning. If it were during a time when the zombie apocalypse has just taken over the world, then I’ll know it’s the undead coming to claim a victim. However, if the zombie apocalypse has yet to spring into action, then I’ll have a number of things to consider.

Things for me to consider will be to understand if the thing in the house was real. It could be that the water tank was making noises again. But if it wasn’t the water tank, then I’m the type of guy who would have to see with my own eyes what was causing the chaos.

Once I’ve determined I can see it, I have to know if I can kill it. Then again, it could be human, and he/she was simply breaking in. Although if the thing was moaning I doubt it would be human. The point being, I want to know if it truly is one of those rot chewers whose life has disappeared in a mangled array of decomposing sinew and tissue. End of my rambling.

If it is one of the undead, then I can’t let it go roaming about the house without doing something about it. As someone familiar with zombies, I have to get it out of my home much like chasing a bat out of the bedroom with a broom. In the outdoors, I can then deliver some heavy Old Testament retribution.

Luckily I sleep with a baseball bat next to the bed. Oh, wait—that was in the other house I was living in. Well, from now on I will be sleeping with a baseball bat next to the bed.

This is my plan: I’ll retrieve my Louisville Slugger, run past it down the stairs and outside to the backyard. If it takes the bait, it’ll come after me. But I’ll be ready for it. All I need are a few quick swipes and it’ll be eating lumber in no time.

Okay, so that’s what I would do. What would you do?

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE SEARCH FOR PARADISE, on sale October 20.

Do you think you can defeat a zombie in real life?

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13 thoughts on “The Roamer

  1. Once establishing it was our less than friendly neighborhood zombie and after doing a little “YES! I KNEW THE END WAS COMING!!!” Dance then I would reach for my handy machete from under the bed and slice its icky stinky drooling head down the middle from hair part to chin dimple. Of course this is brave imaginary me. The real me would run screaming, grabbing kids and car keys on the way.

    • How would they react to a large bucket of acid or a tank of an industrial – strength corrosive dumped / sprayed on them ? Very badly, I’d suppose. & the odor of ” Eau De Zombie would warrant a filter mask.

  2. If this was the start of the zombie apocalypse I probably wouldn’t feel confident in my survival skills to face it one on one quite yet. I’d probably try to escape unscathed, close shut the door behind me and come back with a backup team before the zombie got loose and infected others.

  3. I’d take a tip from my grand – mother. She kept a lawn edger AND a baseball bat under her bed in case somebody broke into her apartment at night. Assuming it was one of the undead, & that I was fast enough. that growling, lurching pile of undead flesh would never trouble anyone again.

    But what if it brought company….. ?

  4. I think I’d probably hunt it down. Using my Mom as an example, she used to keep a metal baseball bat in her bedroom. There were a few times that i witnessed her take it up at night, after hearing some strange noise in the house. This was a Mama Bear protecting her babies.
    If there are other people in the house, (and most likely I would not be alone), I would definitely need to investigate the noise.
    Only if I were alone, would I run.

  5. First, I’d confirm that it is a zombie and then I’ll grab a blunt object. Also a fencing mask to protect my face. Before attacking, I’d look out the window to see if there are any other undead outside. Last thing I want is to kill the loud one and find out that his more ninja-like friends are on the way. If the zombie is alone then I lure it into a room that isn’t important and bash its head in. Then I find out how it got inside and fortify the house if possible.

  6. If it is just one zombie, I might stand a chance – thanks to your useful hints on your blog and in the Ranger Martin series. 😀

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