Jokes II

How many people like jokes? I know I do. One of the benefits of writing my Freedom Friday posts is that it gives me the opportunity to write about whatever’s on my mind. Sometimes I write about personal stuff, but today I thought I’d write a few jokes to lighten up the mood during these dark days we all call winter.

Brad Pitt at Toronto International Film Festival
Brad Pitt at Toronto International Film Festival

Mind you, these aren’t my jokes. They’re more like humorous tales I had picked up over the years that I’ve kept tucked away safely for those times when I need to let loose. I suppose today would be one of those occasions.

So, have a read–hopefully–you’ll also have a laugh and maybe you can also share one of your jokes with me in the comments area so I can laugh, too. Enjoy!

AN ARKANSAS DELIVERY

In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

“Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.

“Now don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there’s yet another!” cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. “Do ya think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”

DELIVERY COINCIDENCES

Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.”

“What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, “You are the father of triplets.”

“That’s really an incredible coincidence,” he answers. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”

An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.

The man says, “I don’t believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence.”

After hearing this, everyone’s attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, “I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers.”

GOD’S DEAD DOG

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

“You know,” Mom said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”

Susie stopped crying and asked, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

“That’s all, folks!”

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale now.

Do you have any jokes you’d like to share?

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8 thoughts on “Jokes II

  1. Loved these. I recall the joke about Kissinger and two pilots riding in an airplane when the engines quit. Since there were only two parachutes on board, Kissinger grabbed one and told the others he was sorry but since he was the smartest man he should be saved and jumped out the door. One of the pilots looked at the other ans told him to take the remaining parachute. “Not to worry,” said the other. “The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my laundry.”

  2. Thanks for the laughs Jack ! To return the favor… Working in a hockey arena is almost never dull. A quite young girl, maybe 5 years old, had just been to the concession for some fries and gravy. As she carefully navigated her way to the doors to the ice area, I noticed her walking up to the exit only doors. I was coming out to help her open the door anyway and was just about to warn her when someone came out the doors just as she was reaching for the handle. Over she goes, fries and gravy coating her pretty red coat. I stopped, the other fellow stopped, in shock, and she looked up at us with her bottom lip quivering. Oh no, she’s going to cryyyyyy . She looks at him, then me and says … “well don’t just stand there you ninnys, clean me off, I have a game I gotta watch !!” Kids are so precious.

  3. These are good, Jack; I don’t think I’ve heard any of those three. (Or yours either, Zathra!) I just might have to adopt your idea of “Freedom Friday,” because it’s nice to have that latitude as a blogger or writer. Knowing that I don’t have a theme that I’m locked into can really get my creativity soaring. As you know, too, Jack, with regard to jokes, parenthood (not to mention marriage) is sort of a ready-made joke. I get so many from the kids that I try to write most of them down; sadly, I’ve missed recording a few great ones and can’t remember them now. My short story/joke: When our daughter was about 18 months old, she liked a TV fairy who was learning how to do magic (not always successfully). One day, DD pretended to have a wand and waved it at me. Her comment was: “Make mommy pretty.” It was quickly followed by, “Oh no, it didn’t work.” 🙂 I will tell that story when/if I make it to 90! Have a great weekend, J!

  4. A man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for only a glass of water. The bartender picks up a shotgun & fires it off right next to him. The man puts $ 5. 00 on the bar, thanks him, then leaves.
    Why did he do that ? He had hiccups. ( I heard that in an episode of NCIS )

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