Spam

Since it’s Freedom Friday and since it’s the end of the week for some of us, I thought I’d treat you to some fun—the best kind of fun—fun at the expense of others. Anyone watch America’s Funniest Home Videos? Well, that’s not the fun I had in mind. I’m talking about the comments I sometimes receive from these automated spam machines in the comments area of my posts.

SPAM on my keyboard

SPAM on my keyboard

Oh, I got your attention, I see.

We all get them, some more than others do. I’m talking about comments falling in our moderation queue that attempt to sell us overpriced shoes, gaudy jewelry, and even try to fish us into believing they like our posts. You don’t have to admit anything. I’ve fallen for a couple myself believing they were legitimate until I’d discovered that once I’d released one spam on my blog, a flood of them appeared overnight as I frantically pressed the delete key to get rid of them all.

This is the type of stuff I get in my comments queue awaiting my moderation:

“I am regular reader, how are you everybody? This post posted at this website is actually good.” ~Wedding Planner

Where do I start? First, you’re missing “a”, as in “a regular reader”. If you want to sell me stuff, learn proper grammar. Second, “how are you everybody?” Should I worry at one time in my life you’ve spoken with one of my schizophrenic personalities I didn’t know I had? Third, “This post posted”, yeah, I got it. You don’t have to be redundant about it.

“I really like what you guys tend to be up too. This type of clever work and exposure! Keep up the terrific works guys I’ve included you guys to our blogroll.” ~Free Sex Chat

SPAM hitting us in the face

SPAM hitting us in the face

You guys? Again you’re trying to convince me I’m schizophrenic. I’m one guy, Jack. Get it right. “This type of clever work and exposure!” Whoo-hoo! I can feel your excitement but I have no clue what you’re talking about. Does the term complete sentence mean anything to you? “Keep up the terrific works guys…” Much like the Wedding Planner dude, you also seem to have a problem with grammar.

“Thіs post is in fact a good one it assists new web people, who aree wishing for blogging.” ~Buy Followers

Seriously, I have no clue as to what you’re trying to say to me. I’m lost.

And I’ve saved the best for last.

“Someone necessarilу lend a hand to make significantly articles I might state. That is the first time I frequentеd yoսr website pazge and so far? I amazed with the analysis you maԁe to create this particular publish incredible. Great actiνity!” ~Promo

I’m considering I may actually need another personality after reading your comment. Oh, look, it’s kicking in now—neener nanny, neener nanny, neener nanny.

Nowadays, I don’t even look at my spam queue—well, I had to for this post, but you can blame it on my other personalities. With over two hundred of these messages I receive over the course of a few days, I don’t have time to sift through the chaos to determine what is good and what is bad. I certainly do get a laugh out of the ones I do receive though, and the messages equally provide many hours of amusement at the expense of the spammers.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, now on sale.

Have you received spam email? What was the funniest one you received?

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15 Comments

  1. This made me smile. 🙂 I was puzzled by the spam in my moderation queue when I began blogging, not knowing what to make of them, lol.

    Reply
  2. I don’t get many spam comments…just the spam followers who, when I click to look at their blogs, are all the same posts about “life-changing” ways to “follow your dreams” or “reach your financial goals”.

    Reply
  3. Haha! I think you and I share a sense of humor. I haven’t updated this in a while (because when I play with the spam it’s been in haiku form lately) but… 🙂 http://beyondpaisley.net/2012/01/12/favorite-spam-letters/

    Reply
  4. I have received some of the funniest things too! I laugh at some of the search terms that end up taking someone to my blog. We might as well laugh and than when we finish laughing–delete the spam forever! lol

    Reply
  5. Those are hysterical – who do they think they’re fooling?

    I just don’t get that much spam – I think I’m too small a pop-stand to warrant it – and I’m good with that! Have a great weekend, Jack.

    Reply
  6. I absolutely despise the spam that I receive on my blog. I too have fallen for a few that I thought might be someone for whom English is not their primary language.

    Part of what makes the spammers so successful is that they prey on the general kindness of bloggers. I have had to get much stricter deleting spam.

    Reply
  7. I’ve haven’t gotten any spam trying to sell me stuff yet. But I have gotten some that seem legit. I actually approved one, and shortly after, I got some malware that made all of these adds pop up everywhere. I don’t know if the malware came from the comment or not, but it started around the time I approved the comment. Needless to say, I deleted that comment ASAP.

    Reply
  8. It’s my bugbear as well – just when you think you have a comment & it’s this trash!

    Not being racist, but as I’m in the IT security field in my day job, it is interesting to work out (from those emails that don’t have Kanji or Cyrillic script embedded) the nationality of the sender. The Chinese government has a 3000 strong university working on spamming & hacking the world – a little like Coca Cola years ago – ‘I’d like to teach the world to sing’ – only theirs would be ‘Id like to use your bandwidth until its all used up’ – not sure of the tune to that though. The Russian government is also doing something similar.

    Just so that I’m not accused of bias the USA (NSA & CIA) and the UK in particular with our beloved GCHQ have been working hard on perfecting their DDoS technology so they can prevent free speech on the web of anyone they decide or even suspect is a threat or just don’t like what’s being said.
    Phew, sorry to wax quite so lyrical, but I’m not sure which is worse, those learning English at our expense, or the governments that make sure we are not, as a nation, in a position to criticise!
    Hope I didn’t go too far off-piste with this diatribe 🙂
    Nicely thought provoking, Jack.

    Reply
  9. Catherine Johnson

     /  March 28, 2014

    I ought to be rich all the spam millionys I’ve won. Love that spam image!

    Reply
  10. I get those a lot, but they’ve yet to be funny. Most of them try to sell me Gucci or Prada bags.

    Reply
  11. I bought your book when it first came out in paperback. But that’s not my reply — I started watching World War Z. After 16 minutes, I decided it was too scary, and I better wait to watch it when I didn’t have to work the next day. Now it is the next day and I hope I’m not late to work because I’m writing this. Hopefully, YOU have a good agent or manager. Your book would be a great movie. Whether it be an A-movie for the big screen, or a B-movie for the sci-fi channel – a start is a start. Write a “treatment” then get an agent. Maybe you can write the screenplay. Just a thought. OR, pick a “former” TV star who does sci-fi movie originals, email them with a kindle copy of your book with a treatment – and ask them if they would be interested in lending their “name” to your project in you can get someone to produce it …

    Reply
  12. laughed my head off reading this, because…dummy me fell for it thinking it was someone new to the English language.

    Reply

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