Zombie Emergency Kit

Here’s something you may not know. The CDC has a Zombie Preparedness page dedicated for when society falls apart and the zombie apocalypse takes over. I kid you not. It gets better. They even have a checklist of items one should gather prior to the occurrence of said zombie apocalypse.

CDC's Zombie Attack Banner

CDC’s Zombie Attack Banner

For Monday Mayhem, I thought I’d run through the list and provide you some insight into the value of some of those items. The CDC prepared the list as an all-hazards. In other words, if you have the items listed, you’d be able to survive a hurricane, tornado, earthquake or any other natural disaster. The thing is a zombie apocalypse is not a natural disaster. There are no guarantees of survival. But there are ways to increase the odds of living through it until such time a person finds a boat and heads to a deserted island off the coast of Hawaii. Or Fiji for that matter. Or Costa Rica.

Below is the CDC’s list. Let’s have some fun and tailor it specifically for a zombie infestation/infection, shall we? First, I’ve included some sarcastic helpful comments in [square brackets highlighted in royal blue]. Second, my very own list follows. You’ll notice my list is a tad shorter. What can I say? I’m a minimalist.

All-Hazards Emergency Kit

  • Water—one gallon per person, per day [A typical family of four would need 28 gallons per week (4×7. Unless you live in Utah where you’ll probably need 70 gallons a week). Since the zombie apocalypse will last longer, it’s not enough. Best start planning to buy a pool and fill it with drinking water.]
  • Food—nonperishable, easy-to-prepare items (minimum 3 day supply) [Again, see my comment above. Three days? Sure, if you’re planning to stay at a Disney resort. Quick solution: buy a farm.]
  • Flashlight [In the old days people knew how to make fire with sticks and use those sticks as torches. Not needed.]
  • Battery-powered or hand-crank radio (NOAA Weather Radio, if possible) [You’re kidding, right? Like there’s gonna be a radio station left with humans running it. Logic, people. Logic!]
  • Extra batteries [No flashlight. No use for batteries.]
  • CDC's Zombie Attack Poster

    CDC’s Zombie Attack Poster

    First aid kit (whistle, antibiotic ointment, bandages, face masks, gloves and reference book) [I happen to agree with this. Beside, you can use the face mask to spook the zombies (paint a pig snout on it).]

  • Medications (7 day supply and medicinal dispensers if necessary) [And after the seven days when the supply runs out, then what? That’s right, you’ll be looking for a refill. Here’s a better idea: rent an apartment above a pharmacy now. Then when you need the stuff, it’s only a few steps from home.]
  • Multipurpose supplies (wrench, pliers, plastic sheet, duct tape, scissors, matches) [Now we’re talking, although I don’t know if this stuff’s for an emergency or used to clean up a crime scene.]
  • Sanitation/personal hygiene items and bleach [Bleach? I just answered my own question above.]
  • Copies of personal documents (medication list and pertinent medical information, proof of address, deed/lease to home, passports, birth certificates, insurance policies) [Do you think it’ll really matter once everyone’s dead? Here’s a thought, you can use the papers to make a fire to keep you warm at night.]
  • Cell phone with charger [Who comes up with this stuff? Say it with me: no electricity, no cell phone service.]
  • Family Disaster Plan (family and emergency contact information) [My family’s plan: stay indoors. They can’t eat you if they can’t see you.]
  • Extra cash [Bahaha!!! Okay, okay, okay. Raise your hand if you’ve heard of the barter system.]
  • Emergency blanket, extra clothes, sleeping bag (1 for each person) [And what happens when you’re nicely tucked away in your sleeping bag, and you wake up with a zombie standing over you? Simple logic isn’t difficult to master.]
  • Map(s) of the area [Let me guess, use Google Maps on your cell phone.]

Jack Flacco’s Zombie Emergency Kit

  • Water, food, clothing and any other miscellaneous items—your neighbors will have many of these items available once they’ve turned into zombies
  • The only item on the list above left untouched: first aid kit (whistle, antibiotic ointment, bandages, face masks, gloves and reference book)
  • Multipurpose supplies (Louisville Slugger baseball bat, golf club, screwdriver, hammer, butcher knife, darts, picture frame wire, shards of glass)
  • Real paper map(s) of the area

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.

How did I do? Did I miss anything on my list?

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23 Comments

  1. Traveling A.s.K.oop

     /  May 17, 2013

    I take the Cdc for seriously after this… maybe

    Reply
  2. It’s about time the CDC started taking this seriously! Although I think the majority of their advice could apply to most civil emergencies.

    Reply
  3. Great post! The CDC must be planning for a positive outcome to assume we’ll need cash and id…Hmm you know what they say about assuming, eh? I think your list is much more practical. I especially like the addition of the butcher knife ; )
    I have only two things to add to your multipurpose list. 1) If you don’t already own one, find the nearest comic book/D&D store and get a sword., when sharp, these make awesome can openers too! 2) A bow and arrows- if I’ve learned anything at all from “The Walking Dead”, it’s that a bow and arrow is quiet and reusable, if you learn how to make your own arrows.

    Reply
  4. Let it henceforth be known: I refuse to be anyone’s emergency contact during the Zombie Apocalypse. I’m busy that day.

    Reply
  5. I like how you dealt with the flashlight problem.

    Also, I agree that it’s best to be an apothecary who sells drugs off the porch of his farmhouse. That’s the optimal setup for zombie apo.

    Fun and informative post, as always!

    Reply
  6. Marko Jezernik

     /  May 14, 2013

    Is CDC trying to prepare us for something here??? Sarcastic comments are great, but you missed one important item although. I watched a lot of B zombie movies over the last four months and the most important item on the list are strippers. You don’t have a chance of survival without them. Apparently they can fight anything: vampires, werewolves and zombies alike. So when society starts to fall apart the safest thing to do would be to find stripper joint safe haven and unleash the horde of strippers upon zombie atrocities.

    Reply
  7. I was watching ‘Talking Dead’ show and they had some guy recommend ‘panty hose’ in a zombie survival kit. Apparently it’s the new duct tape for its versatility ^^. Personally, I’d bring a can opener.

    Reply
  8. Great stuff. I almost can’t wait for the apocalypse! Er, well, maybe not. 😉

    Reply
  9. Your list obviously makes more sense. I never go anywhere without my baseball bat. And no one will need their passport once the zombie outnumber the humans. And extra cash? I mean, really, CDC? That’s what you’re going with?

    Reply
    • Apparently, the CDC hasn’t gotten the memo of society’s ultimate demise during a zombie apocalypse. I think we should send them a strongly-worded demand letter in order to rectify this breach of trust with the American people. Whaddya think?

      Reply
      • I think it’s the absolute least we could do. Did they even mention a sawed off shotgun??

  10. Brilliant, just brilliant! I love your comments on the original list. I think that list might be the one for if we have a temporary apocalypse that only lasts a week or less! Sleeping bag= definate no! Thanks for making me smile with this whole article.

    Reply
  11. I agree that zombies and sleeping bags don’t mix – you always want to be able to be up and running (or fighting!) at a moments notice.

    One thing that I’m surprised neither the CDC or you have on your list, Jack and that’s a magnetic compass. Using a map of any kind without a compass is going to be difficult at best – especially if you have to head off-road and away from human habitation (which is probably what you’d want to do anyway). You might think that you can walk in a straight line but it’s actually surprisingly difficult especially when you don’t have a clear line of sight to where you’re heading.

    Worse than this, humans have a natural inclination to walk in circles and not straight lines when they can’t see where they’re going (such as when it’s dark). You can see this by putting a blindfold on someone in a large field and asking them to try as hard as possible to walk in a straight line. The results are illuminating (and hilarious!) and show why you always need to carry a compass for navigation.

    Reply
  12. Loved this post! Hilarious. This is all part of your plan to get me to watch the Walking Dead, isn’t it? 😉

    Reply
  13. Catherine Johnson

     /  May 13, 2013

    Dare you to send this to the CDC and see if they’ll add your zombie version. I had a BAD experience in a sleeping bag thanks to my naughty siblings, maybe they are zombies lol.

    Reply
  14. Gotta send this to my son. 🙂 One should be prepared for all contingencies.

    Reply
  15. Jack, I’m a member of the Zombie Squad and it was the main ZS group who helped the CDC prepare for the zombie apocalypse. The History Channel did a whole episode on the Zombie Squad. You love zombies as much as I do and I think, you would love joining the group. I love your articles.

    Reply
  16. sally1137

     /  May 13, 2013

    In the case of the CDC, “zombie” is a euphemism for “taxpayer.”

    Reply
  17. …. A bottle of the strongest liquor you can find in your liquor cabinet…..

    Reply

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